Day 183- Waving My Heart Flag
After a sexy dream last night about Tim Lincecum—don’t ask—I started to explore what it was within myself and my romantic relationship I wanted to nurture.
I recognize that I’ve dropped the idea of an “open” relationship now that I’m paired up with my love, because I feel so completely happy being with him. But after that dream, I realized there’s a part of me that needs attention. So today, in my dance therapy 5-Rhythms class, I gave it attention.
What I found was beautiful.
Then it was confusing.
Then I got sick to my stomach.
Now I’m all better.
But let’s back up and I’ll get into the nitty gritty.
In the past I’ve recognized that the push and pull I’ve felt between wanting a lifetime filled with sharing love with many, and wanting a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with the love of my life, has made it so that my relationships have failed. Without direct intention, everything gets jumbled and someone ends up hurt.
But today, in the body of my dance, I came to understand that I’ve been in the process of surrendering to commitment.
With all my heart, I want a committed relationship—and I have one—with the love of my life. What joy I felt rush through me as my heart opened to the power that is Life Force Energy—Divine Love. I realized that it is through fully committing that I can come into deeper contact with my heart, and live from a place of safety. And living from my heart is my ultimate goal of life. By participating in many little relationships, I keep my heart guarded. Only within the shared love of my true partner am I allowing the shields to melt away.
I concluded that I could and would forfeit lustful leers at others because my whole being is beyond satisfied by the mirror of my lover.
And then I came into contact with others.
All of a sudden, my experience shifted, and I realized what I’d done. Yes, I could forfeit my natural inclination to connect from the joy and love I feel in my heart, but so easily that transforms back into suppressing connection out of fear and guilt.
I grew sick to my stomach.
It took hours before I understood what had happened in those moments. To go from joyous, swelling love, to guilty, sickening fear within no time at all was beyond my mind’s immediate comprehension.
Eventually, I realized that I’d stifled my self—yet again.
It’s so crazy because I love me!
And my partner loves me!
And who I am is a lover!
What I learned today is that I desperately desire a long-term, committed, monogamous romantic relationship. But I also want to be able to honor my feelings as they arise. I do not want to squelch any hint of my self EVER.
I’m sure this sounds like my revelation from Night 161, and it is similar. But with a much more gratifying new understanding of myself and my desire in my romantic relationship.
So how can I go about staying true to myself and true to my lover?
I believe openness in communication is key.
So I told him about Tim Lincecum. Ha! We both laughed. It made me feel so good.
So far, he has given me permission to be the full version of myself that I am—it is I who is withholding.
I’m not going to let it get the best of me, and inadvertently him, by lack of communication about thinking someone’s hot, or sharing emotions, or connections, or physical closeness.
We are all human beings, and to honor our bodies, minds, and spirits and be the complete version of ourselves is of utmost importance. If those who we are partnered with cannot accept us for all that we are, would we really want to be with that person anyway?
So to freedom in LOVE! Freedom in being HUMAN! And freedom in our HEARTS and in our RELATIONSHIPS!
LOVE TO ALL