Day 184- Fight or Flight?
In relationships, and in life, I’d rather take flight than fight.
I just got a taste of my own medicine. Just last night I wrote about my need for openness about intimacy with others.
Well, this morning I learned that my love was with someone else while we were apart.
After a few floods of emotion (all processed internally), I saw where it brought him in himself and in our relationship.
Through the situation, he learned a lot about our depth of connection, how much he valued it, and after all was said and done, he choose to pursue “us.”
In my mind, this is wonderful.
I can appreciate what he went through so that we can be where we are now.
But did it hurt? YES.
Of course, I see the beauty in the pain I feel for his actions. I see the beauty in what that experience brought him. And I am grateful for it all. But it’s brought up other things that have allowed for insight into myself.
It’s made me question what I wrote last night and see it from a different light—escapism.
Yes, I can connect with others, and will always do so. But the connecting with others to the detriment of my committed relationship is just a way of creating blockages in the relationship itself. It’s a way of staying light in the commitment, rather than going fully and deeply into it.
Or is it?
I guess what I’m coming to know is just how little I know.
All I know is that no matter how much pain I may endure, I want a successful committed relationship. This is a first for me—knowing this so surely.
I know that I’d rather be with my love and deal with the difficulties that arise in a committed relationship than not be with him at all.
At one point I said that commitment is not a choice. And the heartfelt state of commitment is not. I’d be committed to him whether we were together or not. But actually being with him is a choice.
I feel grateful to choose to approach things from a new perspective that revolves around focusing on love. Yes, I will still need to work though emotions, but I feel that I can let go of my old, automatic responses to being hurt. Before I may have intentionally (and consciously regretfully) hurt him back or withdrawn from him emotionally and physically.
But not only is the definition of insanity doing something the same way over and over and expecting different results, but it also HURTS ME MORE to spread pain rather than love.
This life is just too short to waste time acting out old behavior patterns that destroy the very thing I long to create.
So I don’t know about the future in regards to feeling connection with other people, and how that plays a role in my monogamous relationship, but I do know that I love this man and I want to do my best to consciously create a successful relationships, and choose happiness in my moments.
I feel like I swam down into the depths of the ocean today, and only now am I resurfacing. Thank God. I’ll dive again, I’m sure, but for now, I get a breath of fresh air. Phew.
LOVE TO ALL