Day 246- Intoxicating Lessons
Last night I did my best to identify ego, and then eat it by humbling myself and apologizing. But this morning/afternoon, I still felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt afraid.
I felt like I’d fucked up bad enough that I might have done some serious damage. Of course, all may have been well, but I was without communication most of the day and evening, and really only had myself to confront. So by the time I went to the dance-therapy class, I really didn’t want to be there. All I wanted to do was crawl onto the couch, stick on a funny movie, and laugh my melancholy away. I love laugh-therapy. It does wonders, but it doesn’t get to the heart of the issue. But this evening I was convinced there was no heart of this issue, and that all I needed to do was move onto happier moods.
I spent the first half hour of the class in total resistance. I didn’t want to be there. I even walked out the door.
But I re-entered the classroom, knowing I needed to be where my body and life had set me—smack dab in the middle of an open-hearted group of people.
Slowly, we connected with each other. It was then I realized I subconsciously punish myself and my relationships by withholding connection from others, and withholding from connecting with others. And it was through connection that my heart finally began to soften.
Soon I was giggling and thrusting my body in angry movements, then hugging myself with Love.
It became apparent that I hadn’t forgiven myself for last night’s projected expectations.
I try to do my best so much of the time, and last night I slipped up. The crazy part is, I’ve never seen myself as one to punish myself. But, in fact, that’s exactly what I was doing. So, I forgave myself, understanding that I am human, working through and with this reality as best as I can. Intoxication does make that more difficult, but hopefully in the future I’ll be able to check my ego no matter my sobriety level. And if I do poorly, my goal is to recognize it and embrace humility through apology.
Letting go of expectations, cultivating humbleness and humility, and forgiving myself when I act less than conscious were my lessons of the evening.
Turns out I audited a class in self-growth, which was taught by a few glasses of Petit Syrah.
LOVE TO ALL