Day 43- Sometimes I Feel Like a Cheerleader
I’m not trying to get him to care about my stuff anymore.
His team won today. Does it really matter what team, what sport, what win, and what passion?
Because the bottom line is that with each past relationship I’ve had, I’ve spent more energy caring about my exes’ “stuff” than they do about mine.
Is this okay?
To a healthy individual, totally at one with themselves and their environment, yes, this would be okay.
But to me and my needy sense of self, the side of me that feels the unjust and unequal distribution of attention, it is entirely frustrating.
It’s hard for me to identify in this feeling what is ego and what is not.
I believe the craving of attention is ego, but the desire for resonating in the same passions is not.
My BIG self would be able to laugh at this tiny version of me, truly entertained by the position’s grasp on my emotional state.
Not to say I’m in a highly emotional state—in fact, I feel very little at the moment. Even very little frustration. (I’d say I’m making progress in processing my attachment to my most recent past relationship.)
But I’m in a postion I’ve been in many times before.
That alone is disappointing.
One of the ways I consciously grow is by identifying patterns in my life and my behaviors, in the situations I find myself in, and the relationships I build. When I find something is not to my liking, it is easy to see the underlying factors provoking the discomfort and adjust accordingly.
I take that back.
Sometimes it’s difficult, and sometimes it takes a long time to adjust.
Nonetheless, to currently find myself in a relationship-pattern is a bummer.
Throughout “our” relationship (this could be the current ex or a variety of ones before him), I am like a cheerleader.
I constantly strive to bring the perspective and outlook up, rejoicing and celebrating in the accomplishments of the person I love. If something awesome happens, you’re gonna get a high-five, so to speak.
But there comes a point when I begin to notice the lack of high-fives coming my way for my accomplishments. There comes a point when I want to celebrate in something I’m totally into, and the disinterest from my partner is so sour, so repelling, I no longer want to celebrate with them.
I’ve been through that pattern before in past relationships. However in my most recent romantic relationship, I didn’t let myself get hung up on this very much, and I just found other people that I could celebrate with.
But then there’s where I’m at now, and I’m surprised to find myself here AGAIN.
“Here” is where the relationship has run its course, and we’re still friends. (Again, I’m talking about my ex, as well as other past relationships.) So, even though we’ve broken up, I’m still ready to give props to my friends and loved ones, as that is just an aspect of my character. But see, now that we’re not together, the choice to give props is not directly in my face. Now it’s from a distance that I can decide whether or not to get in touch and congratulate.
This is where I find myself now.
Originally, my inclination is to shoot a note with happy props.
But my tiny Emily says, “Humph,” and crosses her arms, frowning and sticking her nose in the air. Actually, the inner-monologue is something more like:
“Humph. If he doesn’t care about my stuff, then I don’t need to be caring about his stuff. So there.”
Okay, okay, now I see it. Yup. That’s ego all the way.
What a disgusting thing.
Here we go.
I love identification—the first step in healing.
Noticing my heart squeezing tight, my face still in a frown, and my true self beginning to giggle, I witness my joy.
There’s the smile.
And there’s the laugh!
Folks, we’re well on our way to liberation through ego identification and present moment awareness.
Thanks for being here to process this with me.
I think for a while it’s time to be my own cheerleader.
And besides, I love celebrating with others. I don’t need them to celebrate back with me.
Now I know I can do that on my own.
So Gooooo Giants!