Day 75- Process and Peace
I dreamed about my ex love last night. The dream brought me close to him again.
Recently I did a clearing of spiritual marriages, and I chose not to clear my spiritual marriage to my ex.
I wasn’t ready to let go.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the spirit that lies stifled beneath his confused and distracted façade. That is not meant to be a diss, it is a fact—and one that we all are subject to when trying to walk the fine line of maintaining social norms and abiding the true self.
Right now I feel very much that I am peeling off my skin, removing the layer that has protected “me” so well all these years.
I am disrobing so that the I that is without quotation marks can come out and play.
I want to be in this world without the need for coverage, without the need for protection of what I would typically call my “inner” self.
I want to make that my only self, bringing self forward from inner to outer, expanding into this dream we call reality, and walking true and proud in everything I am—a culmination of all that I’ve ever been and all that I’ll ever be.
Tears fill my eyes for the him that lays beneath his surface self—missing him, wishing he was still a part of my world.
I don’t know if what I’m going through are emotions of letting him go, or rather letting the love I feel for him go. Or if what I am experiencing is living without the person I wish to partner with, and feeling a lack by my side …
In the dream last night, I saw someone I knew would be seeing him, and I told them to tell him I wanted to talk with him. Within minutes, he called. I was able to see him and ask him why, if he love me and wants me in his life, does he not get in touch? Why?
There was no good answer, and I believe it comes down to either personality traits, laziness, distraction, or maybe a mixture of all those things.
Knowing he is not acting the way I would want my partner to act makes the letting go process easier.
It is so easy to do the “if only” dance. If only he would call. All I *need* is a tiny amount of effort to feel good about things. But I don’t even get that. I could source this back to picking an “unavailable” or “inappropriate partner,” as dubbed by He’s Scared She’s Scared. I’ve decided I require the one thing he cannot give, thereby creating a wall between us, and leaving no future for “us” to have.
I can feel all these emotions, have all these thoughts, but after writing (thank God for this outlet of expression) it is so apparent to me what is really happening here.
The emotions are creating separation from unity.
The “needs” are creating duality.
Rather than simply loving love, loving life, loving all that is equally, I’ve glommed on to this entity, deemed him “the one” or whatever verbiage I use, and in doing so lost touch with ALL ONE.
It is only by TRULY letting go that I can come back to oneness.
It is only by forfeiting the preconceived notion of what a romantic relationship “should” be by our standards that will allow for me to have a romantic relationship that is not exclusive or bound to this world, this society, and this life.
The spirit love, the one love, the LOVE FORCE that propels us all forward is the force that the mind and emotions get in the way of experiencing.
So by releasing the love that must HAVE, by removing the objectification of relationship itself, I will reunite with bliss and love far beyond what can be imagined in a finite, encapsulated version of society’s definition of “romantic relationship.”
Again, thank God for this outlet which gives me strength and perspective, as I wade through the muck of painful emotions, the concepts of limited love, and the boundaries of duality.
It is through this cathartic writing that I am able to reunite with my self, slowly come out of my skin, and arrive back home in the endless pool of love force energy.
Heart chakra realigning, I breathe deeply and return to peace—inner and outer—and back to unity.
LOVE TO ALL