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Posted by on Nov 27, 2012 in Celibacy, Change, Connection, Expectations, Lessons, Life, Love, Monogamy, Presence, Spirituality | 2 comments

Day 89- A Polarity Paradox

My beloved friend posed an interesting thought today that I’ve extrapolated out into the arena of romantic relationship.

He suggested that perhaps healers, by dubbing themselves that, unconsciously validate their position as healers by accidentally manifesting those who need to be healed.

The concept was an interesting one to say the least.

So all day today I was sitting with this thought. I was bouncing it around in my brain, just letting it exist in my consciousness, while enjoying conversation with a friend at this awesome little coffee shop called “100th Monkey.”

Eventually I had to use the restroom, which is a delight at 100th Monkey because people are allowed to write on the walls with chalk. And since this coffee shop attracts many high-vibing individuals, the content on the wall is positive and overall very loving.

So I’m reading the wall and all of a sudden I notice just how many phrases regarding love are scribbled all over it.

Then it hit me.

We as a society, and perhaps even species, are totally preoccupied with finding love.

Coupled with the aforementioned suggestion, I wondered—is it possible that our preoccupation with finding love requires love to be lost?

As a peoples, if we felt fulfilled in love, those bathroom walls (as well as this blog, and much of the torment of men and women throughout time) would contain content other than the search for love.

Delineated specifically: The mere existence of the quantity of people looking for love allows love to be lost for so many people.

I can only speculate why this is, and I would guess it’s because of how we define love.

Last night I wrote that I’ve recently witnessed what I called “real” love.

After seeing love like that, I was able to compare it with how I’d identified love before, which is how a whole lot of people identify love—something that implies expectation, co-dependence, and lack, or fear, of commitment. I think my beautiful friend, Adam Cross, said it best: “Expectations are pre-meditated disappointments.” Love it.

I mean, even after learning about how love is “supposed” to be, what it’s “supposed” to feel like or look like, I’d never experienced it until I saw it last night.

So looking at the different ways of defining love points to why we have people in constant seeking of it, and also in constant lack of it.

A lot of people experience the definition of love that contains expectation, etc. We want the fairy-tale romance. Whether it is a knight-in-shining-armor, a perfect mother and wife, or an eternal swoon of PEA, so many people define romantic relationship as weighted with expectation.

I believe most people are seeking what I saw last night.

I’m 30. I’ve been in the game for a while—not totally unconsciously—and it has still taken me this long to witness that love. I’m even talking about compared to the love from my parents! Most “unconditional” love we experience really does have conditions somewhere in it, which is what gives us fear.

It would seem that this is one of the reasons people feel lack in the love department.

You know what? I take something back.

I’ve seen real love in two other people—Kevin Beautiful and Chris W.

The reason I couldn’t see it before is that, until last night, I wasn’t capable of accepting it.

Over the past few nights, I’ve been experiencing a breaking down of my heart’s barriers. I’ve been opening up.

Two new friends have facilitated the coming out of my mind and into my heart. By holding space for the transition, they’ve helped me to let go of the protective field I’ve worn around my heart for as long as I can remember.

These two AMAZING people have given me the freedom to drop my fear and feel what real love can be like.

Wanna know how?

Through their eyes.

I think I’ve found a new addiction.

Just kidding.

But seriously, if you want to get closer with any one of your friends or lovers (or family?), talk with each other about setting aside time to stare deeply and continuously into each others’ eyes.

If the other person is willing to possibly experience a new level of trust and love, give it a try. Eventually, if it is safe, you’ll feel it, and likely, you’ll both start to let go of fear and experience the openness of real love.

Of course, if one person isn’t ready to let go of their protective heart-shields, the game could just end in giggles, which isn’t so bad either.

But it has become apparent that giving and receiving vulnerability is key to experiencing this kind of love.

Have fun with this game, if you have a partner.

And if you don’t, but find yourself in that constant state of seeking, maybe it’s time to let go. I mean, we’ve all heard the story that love finds you when you least expect it. That’s because we actually give it a chance to come to us, rather than stuffing the space in which the love could enter with expectation and impatience.

I think the bottom line is to become present in the moment and to allow what is to be. And of course, keep your chin up. Because, hey, you’re not alone.






  1. Your voice is strong. Lead on! xoxo

  2. Each time I read one of your posts I become increasingly convinced that we should sit down and have a real conversation. Probably the first of many if my suspicions are correct. Many of the thoughts and feelings that you’ve been writing about, particularly in the last few days, resonate with me and you’ve done a wonderful job of articulating some of the ideas and beliefs that I’ve had rattling around in my head for years. Shoot me an email if you’re interested. I’m ridiculously busy with work and life and the new little one but I’d love to make some time to talk. Anyway, can’t wait to see what you have to write about next!

    Oh, and lest I forget my original reason for commenting…
    In my experience, your friend, and you, are spot on with the supposition about healers etc. That tendency has been a major factor in my life. The more you want to help people the more you will subconsciously seek out those who need help. Even if (or perhaps especially if?) it’s not help that you can give. It’s a hard thing to see and an even harder thing to get away from.

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